This past month and a half has been by far the hardest time in my life. As many of you may or may not know my marriage to Jen is over. I honestly never thought my relationship would end up as just another statistic. Unfortunately it has. It is so hard to see someone you love and adore slip through your fingers and not be able to do a damn thing about it. I have put more effort into saving my marriage over the last month and half than I have ever put into anything. It is hard to save something that doesn't want to be saved.
I have not always been the best husband or father but I like to think I have always been there for my family. Some of the things I have said and done over the past four and a half years I regret and will never forgive myself for. This being said I assure you few readers that I have never done physical harm to anyone in my family. Nor am I an alcoholic. Nor am I the future main character of a Lifetime Original Movie. I am still confused as to how my marriage can be over. However bad my actions or non-actions have been during our marriage I do not believe they merit an immediate end. But on the other hand I cannot stand being in a home where I am not wanted. This being said there is really no choice but to agree to end it.
She may never believe me but I have NEVER stopped loving her since I told her as we watched TV on her parents couch. I may not have showed it, I may not have acted like it, I may not have told her enough, but I have always loved her. If I didn't love her I would have given up and walked out when she told me she wanted to separate.
On the other end of this tragic situation it breaks my heart to think of my children eventually having another male influence in their lives . I don't ever want my children to forget that I am their father and that I have been there for them since day one. I am not a dead beat dad and I will NEVER be one. I want to be involved in their lives as much as possible. My greatest fear is that I will turn into the "other daddy". I AM THEIR FATHER. I WILL NOT BE REPLACED.
Jen and I will go through a dissolution not a divorce. We will agree on the terms ourselves in hopes that the process will be easier and cheaper. We have said and I hope it is actually possible that we will remain friends for the boys. I am not sure when that period will arrive but I hope it does soon. Jen has been my best friend for the past 7 years and I don't want that to change. I do want to remain friends but I don't know if I can look at her like that. In my eyes I only see her as my wife. Only time will tell.
Some people may not agree with the way I am presenting this information. Oh well. I find it easier.
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Mother's Day at the zoo
16 years ago
5 comments:
Hey Ken,
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time. Nothing good has ever come from regret. Look towards the future and raising great caring, confident boys. When you make yourself a better person, they will become better people as well!
Sending sunshine!
Kim
It's time to NOT look back any longer and move on. Better things, etc. ARE ahead for you. Your whole family is here to support and love you. Love, Mom
Sounds like you have your priorities in order. You are a brave and strong person. Keep up the great work with your boys and they will love you forever. And always remember, you have family who loves you unconditionally and forever!
Love you...Aunt Debbie
Update: No it's not. I hope you can forgive me. I have realized over the past week, since I've been in so much pain, and no matter what I've put you through, you remain to be there for me. I love you with all of my heart, and want so badly to have a happy life with you and the boys. As a family. No matter how hard.
Ken, I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time. You're in my thoughts.
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